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Zelenskyy Blames Loss on “Giant Bioweapon Reptiles”

Ukraine dictator Volly Zelenskyy has accused the former USSR of releasing reptile bioweapons upon his breakaway province. He says this is why he has lost half his territory in recent weeks.

Giant mutant albino two-headed snakes are just a few of the genetically engineered monsters attacking the breakaway province.

Among the invading reptiles released by Moscow in recent weeks, Zelenskyy has identified skinks, basilisks, earless monitors, gila monsters, green iguanas, and at least one tortoise.

Bred for giantism in highly secret biolabs beyond the Urals, the reptiles were first spotted in Chechnya during one of the many nuclear disasters of the 1990s.

Since then, hundreds of further varieties have been bred throughout the former Soviet Union, Zelenskyy claims.

In March Zelenskyy ordered the release of the Kiev Zoo’s giant mongoose in order to battle the scaly invaders, but the animal escaped to the Pripet Marshes in the northwest and has not been seen since.

Ukraine has lost more than half its territory to the thundering creatures.

Biologists from the Kursk Oblast Research Institute (Курський обласний науково-дослідний інститут) have speculated that some of the giant reptiles are live-bearing hermaphrodites, able to reproduce spontaneously without laying or incubating eggs.

This could account for the sudden rise in their numbers, the scientists say.

A former Borscht Belt comic, known for his “blue” humor, Zelenskyy has suggested that he may resort to tactical nuclear weapons to defeat the invading monsters.


During a recent “ice-cream summit” at NATO headquarters, American President Joe Biden promised to ask his people in Congress to ram through another $40 billion dollars’ worth of aid, including reptile-targeting warheads.

Biden has expressed the hope that Moscow leader Vladimir Putin will die of polonium-induced cancer before nuclear war is necessary.

At least one giant tortoise, estimated at over 12 yards long (1097 cm), threatened the outskirts of Kiev (Keev) in March 2022.