What can one say about this sad, sad pub conversation?

A list of filthy, nasty stories about Julian Assange has been e-mailed to journalists around the the globe from the Wikileaks Corporation. Newspapers and chat-show hosts are being enjoined not to tell these tales, lest they risk a libel suit.

Oddly, one of the most persistent rumors is nowhere on the e-mailed list. That concerns Assange’s pet iguana, which escaped from the Ecuadoran embassy two years ago.

Assange is however vaguely accused of having neglected a pet, species unknown.

‘Rainbow’ presenters Freddy, Jane and Rod have found a new fan in Julian Assange of Wikileaks.

Among the defamatory porkies banned by Wikileaks:

• Julian Assange does not wash his feet.
• He is stinky.
• He bleaches his hair.
• He reads the Daily Mail.
• He spends his afternoons drinking himself into a stupor on Jägermeister, and watching old episodes of Blue Peter and Rainbow in a darkened room.

In a certain large city in America once upon a time, we had no problem with cockroaches. This is because we had powerful insecticides, such as DDT!

Then, in the 1960s, some do-gooders decided to ban DDT. In two years the cucarachas were all over the place. We literally had to put our saltines and animal crackers into Baggies to keep the bugs out.

Bugs were everywhere. And there was this powerful moral suasion against killing them. Seriously. You were supposed to live with cockroaches in peaceful coexistence, because they were here first (uh huh) and killing them is bad.

Geckos do not have eyelids, and this is an issue for many people.

One way of getting rid of cockroaches was by poisoning them. You could spray your whole house with insecticide. That was good for a while, but just for a while. Or you could get some boric acid, and mix it with flour and make little cookies. You’d stick these in every corner, and they’d kill off a lot of your cockroaches.

Or you could get a lizard. The most reliable lizard, 40 years ago, was a gecko. Personally I’ve always had issues with geckoes, because some don’t have eyelids. But they’re good cockroach-hunters.

Then you have iguanas. The iguana is bigger and hardier than your gecko, and it can shut its eyes when it goes to sleep. It will clean up all your cockroaches. But soon it will be four feet long and shit all over the place.

You make the call.

Toy iguanas cause as much distress as the real thing, especially if you happen to be an iguana yourself.

You don’t believe? Check out the link and the video.

One Ontario iguana owner is gonna want to watch their fingers in 2019 after witnessing a vicious territory dispute between Pip, their reptilian pet, and a stuffed doppelgänger.

The Canadian pet owner tells Viral Hog that they “use the toy as a distraction” for Pip while cleaning its enclosure or “socializing with other iguanas.”

Here we are. 

Iguanas are one of the best things that ever happened to South Florida. Yet the “Iguana Menace” continues to be a staple of Florida news.

Cartoonist Al Capp presaged the iguana problem with his Shmoo in the 1950s.

They’re cuddly, they’re affectionate, and you can eat them and make pocketbooks out of them. Al Capp foreshadowed them decades ago with “The Shmoos.”

Are we talking about bunny rabbits?

No! Iguanas have been receiving astoundingly bad press in recent years. Just take a look at this thing from the rancid London tabloid. Daily Mail:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5878063/Florida-swarmed-IGUANAS-causing-power-outages-contaminating-swimming-pools.html

And we’re supposed to believe this? Truly? Lizards?